(Written by Sharon C. McGovern)
If you are like me, and I don't mean anything by that, you may have days when
the world and its inhabitants are a steady source of aggravation, when every
person seems to be The Pill and every object graven in her image, when your
psyche has reached a state of helplessness beyond range but not yet to hysteria.
You may wonder if there is a song to accompany such a condition if, say, you
are at work and screaming obscenities or discharging firearms aren't viable
options, and I'm happy to say there is-but you must play it quietly. Not because
it is worst thing you ever heard-even the youngest Cobra reader (Hi, Alex!)
will recognize it as merely ridiculous rather than ragingly offensive. You
should be quiet to preserve its sniggering immaturity-the only antidote to
the straight faced insufferable kind mentioned above.
The authors of the song, which I'll just call "Turds," are Matt Stone and Trey Parker of South Park fame. The singer is Shelly, Stan's mean older sister (Is there any other kind? Just kidding.) and Cartman's brace-face babysitter. Her slushy vocal delivery and tendency to hurl little boys with wall cracking force initially cast her in an unsympathetic light, but she does have a touching weakness for a shiftless male (Is there any other kind? Just kidding, jeez.), ten years her senior ("I'm still in high school!" he protests, "…I'm a very immature twenty two year old."). As a boyfriend, he is so sleazy and heartless (Is there…heh, heh, KIDDING!) that even Cartman tells her, "You're pretty ugly, but you don't have to be dating twenty-two year olds." Shelly does endure a painful break-up, then, with Cartman, crafts a sweet revenge; but before all that does have a moment in the sun, fronting her boyfriend's band and shouting out her surprisingly up-beat philosophy which goes something like this…
So
much pain in the world today
Too many turds are headed my way
But we can lick those turds together
Passing by turds whenever
(Don't you know that)
Life's so full of happiness
Feel free to mark my words
But me and you will muddle through
In a world that's full of turds (Turds!)
Dime a dozen sphincter lovin' turds (Turds!)
Thank you to Mr. Kukini (Hawaiian
for "not a turd") for locating this song on-line, at www.beef-cake.com.
Written by Sharon C. McGovern
