Confessions of a CosmoGirl Wannabe

So this friend of mine at work had this Cosmopolitan magazine that she loans me with the warning, "Don't cut it up." Now where would she get and idea like that? Anyway, it's a good one, with lots of articles with words in them that I'm too bashful to print here, and snuggled in amongst those articles is a Cosmo Quiz. Normally, I ignore the Cosmo Quiz because I lack the qualifications to even read the quiz, let alone venture an opinion on what I might do in some of the circumstances which they describe. I should ask this friend, who seems like a real Cosmo type of gal--you know, young pretty, thin, hip, lots of calls from guys (dude, I'm the receptionist and its my duty to know these things)--if the hypotheticals described in the mag are based in fact and if so what the hell is wrong with my life. But this one had a title along the lines of "Are You Self-Actualized?" I already pretty much knew the answer, which would be "No," and thought I could bluff my way through the rest.

I pondered the Big Cosmo Issues, such as what would I do if the elastic on my leotard pattered thong failed and the garment fell to my ankles during a Big Presentation?Mind you, they don't give you the option of wearing a nice pair of Jockey For Hers in a sensible color, no sir. I dug deep in my imagination and chose b). (Yeah, like I'm going to tell you what b) is.)

And so forth.

When you finish answering the questions, you tally your score and rank yourself. Out of a possible 20, Ladies and Gentlemen, I scored a whopping five. Five. Five. Do you know what this makes me, according to Cosmo? A "Self-Loathing Loser." That's not extrapolation or exaggeration on my part, either. In fact, it's a section heading in 18pt. type and bold. The really sad part is when I reviewed my answers, I thought I handled myself rather well.

So, I'll never be a Cosmo Girl, and that's okay. Who wants the responsibility of the fabulous job, the toned body, the boyfriend with the fabulous job and toned body and, you know, all those other Cosmo Boyfriend features? Those things are not the key to happiness, right girls? Right?

I can't hear you!

Written by Sharon C. McGovern

From Vol. 3
Get Back to Work!