Serving Your Insult Needs

I have a relatively new co-worker who is an extraordinarily tall ectomorph, which is a Greek word which means "freak who doesn't gain weight no matter what or how much he eats" (which reminds me, welcome back from Greece Jamie Adams! and don't bother checking my definition with him because I'm absolutely sure it's accurate). He claims to have had a fascinating, muti-faceted career history. So fascinating and multi-faceted that sometimes I prefer to think he is a sociopathic liar rather than to compare what he has accomplished to what I have in approximately the same amount of time.

Be that as it may, one of his achievements is a compilation of appellations for shiftless types, which was begun when he was in the Army and has been continued through to the present. He has assured me that any of these may be used without fear of copyright reprisals:

The High Priest of Do Least
The King Lear of the Rear
The Proud Father of Don't Bother
The Guru of Don't Do
The Warlock of Dry Dock
The Monarch of in the Dark
The Duke of Do Nothing
The Dictator of Do Later

Insult Needs, Parts 2&3

You know what drives me nuts? It's when I work and slave over The Cobra's Nose and then hear that somebody's favorite part, oh it was really too hilarious for words, was written by somebody other than me. Not that I don't cherish and adore my contributors, because I do, but it's like loaning somebody a copy of Who's Next hoping that that will finally lead them to appreciate the genius of Pete Townshend then they come back and tell you the best song on it is "My Wife" which was written by John Entwhistle (does this sound at all familiar, Mark?).

Anyway, our favorite ectomorph and his merry crew have won some hearts and minds with their choice epigrammatical designations, so I asked them to donate more. The difference with these contributions is I know to whom they refer and am happy to share the information.

The Crown Prince of Makes me Wince (Muffin, grrr.)
The Big Toe of in the Know (This is what you should call new subscriber Steve Sampson if you ever happen to meet him. He got the title after doing exceptionally well on some test. To tell you what the test was all about would either be to reveal a big time Cosmodemonic secret or to take an interest in what goes on around this place, I forget which, but neither is acceptable. Also, Steve doesn't like his title to be abbreviated. If you say to him, "Hey, Big Toe!" or "Good morning, Mr. Toe!" you will be peremptorily corrected.)

This list may seem short to you, but I'll have you know these are gems and we simply cannot expect them to pop up everyday. Okay, we can expect one more to pop up because I have an order in to rename a certain pear shaped, goateed co-worker with whom I am forced to interact every work day before seven a.m. as he prances all around asking, "How are we today?" and "Are we having fun yet?"--phrases deserving of a constitutional ban in the United States of America.

Hey, let's get that ball rolling today. Call or write your Congressional Representative today, and then maybe those people I heard about on NPR who make a living by collecting signatures on petitions.

(Written by Sharon C. McGovern)

From Vol. 8
Get Back to Work!